Because I Love You
by kurt couper
Summary: He told her that he did it because he loved her. She believed other wise. What happens when he finds her, years later, and she has nothing left? What happens when it's all his fault? Spawn COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Buffy died and came back. This is AU, definitely. This is what would have happened if Spike and Dawn went into a relationship after Buffy died and continue to have one, under everyone's noses. You'll find out more as the short story goes on, but just ask if you have a question.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

"Dawn, I did it because I love you."

And that repeats through her head everyday. It's tattooed on her soul as if it was a bad nightmare. But it was worse.

It was her reality.

But she was older now. Not that eighteen-year-old spunky little girl. She's grown and, all the men say, in the right places. Her hair was long and dyed a black that contrasted with her translucent skin. A couple of tattoos and piercings littered acrossed her body that complied well with a permanent sneer acrossed her face. Now a little south of twenty-four, her heart wasn't so soft anymore. He broke it and she was never able to fix it. So it just got layered until it got lost and was never or could never be found.

_I did it because I love you_ her ass.

She sighs as she sees another one. Platinum hair and blue eyes. 'What the fuck is up with blonde this season,' she says to herself as she doesn't even think about getting her hopes up. It leaves her worse the morning after. Continuing to dip and rise for her audience, she ignores all the platinum hair and blue eyed men. Not that she even really sees them as men. They're just customers that give her the ability to have a job.

Too bad it isn't a better one.

A thick, burley man nods to her, showing that he needs to talk to her. She bends over, slowly letting her body climb to its original pose and walked over to him.

"Man at table seven wants you. Private," his voice says dark and heavy. She takes a short glance at the man. Platinum hair and blue eyes. Shaking her head, she put her foot down.  
"You know I don't do those types," she hisses. Her eyes are cold and let no light escape-another black hole that dwells in her body.  
"I know. I told him that, but he doesn't care. Name a price. He wants you." And she thinks about how much money she needs.  
"I'll take him at his higher offer," she says as she saunters into the back where the changing room was at, deciding to clean up a bit.

She didn't need to look in a mirror, she knew where exactly each crevice and line dwelled on her face. Washing her face with a wet towel, she applied foundation to cover up the flaws on her face that everyone noticed. Black line under the bottom of her eye and on the top. A swoop of green eye shadow. A coat of blistex on her lips. And concealer for under her eyes. Putting on a pleather mini-skirt and a skin tight white halter, she stepped out onto the main room.

She didn't look good. She certainly didn't look great. But who the hell was she trying to impress?

"Hi," he said, slinking back into his chair, his pressed pants wrinkling slightly. He was a business type-the normal guys who came in here. His blonde hair was all gelled and his beard all shaved and his tie so perfectly ironed that she guessed him to be OCD.  
"Hey there, stud," she replied, gently rubbing her leg against the inside of his leg.

He held up a wad of cash. She took it and counted it. Three hundred dollars. Nice.

"There's a room here in the back. Let's go." And he followed her, closely, acting like a thirteen year old boy who just found his first porn magazine.

She pushed him into a chair and watched him sink back into it, like it was quicksand. Slowly twisting her hips, she brought her hands down to the top of her skirt and slowly pushed it off. It left her in a red g-string.

"You want this?" she asked, running her hands up and down her body.  
"Yes," he hissed, watching intently.  
"You got it," she finished, crawling onto his lap, letting his hands touch her in the most secretive places that weren't that private anymore. Kissing his foreign mouth, plunging her tongue with his, slowly undoing his pants, she tried to forget his words. She really did.

_"Dawn, I did it because I love you."  
_

_

* * *

_This is going to be a very, very short fic. I was inspired. Hope you like it. 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Buffy died and came back. This is AU, definitely. This is what would have happened if Spike and Dawn went into a relationship after Buffy died and continue to have one, under everyone's noses. You'll find out more as the short story goes on, but just ask if you have a question.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

She's home now. But it's not really much of a home. Just a house, really. It had enough room to hold her things and herself, but that was all. The rent was only five-fifty a month, which was very good considering it was LA. True, it wasn't the best part of the town, but there wasn't really a good part. But, it was what she came home to every night and woke up to every morning. So it was her home, for the better lack of the word.

Looking at the phone, she saw that there were no new calls or messages.

Good.

Almost everyone had finally gotten the memo that she wasn't big into socializing. She'd talk to Scoobies on their birthdays and Buffy a couple times a year. Sometimes she'd even get the "Hey Dawn, I miss you," from Xander or Tara or the occasional Giles. But, it was better this way. Everyone wanted her to get away from the hellmouth, so that's why she went to UCLA. That and...other reasons. But then she dropped out when she realized she didn't have enough money to survive. The Meat Palace wasn't exactly the perfect job for starting a college fund.

Not saying that her job was something to be envious about. But it did one thing: paid the bills.

She remembered learning something in her senior year. Something about one of those wise guys that had theories and books and was famous. The guy believed that first you had to have your basic needs and then everything came after that. She just didn't seem able to get pass that first level.

The phone rang, much to Dawn's dismay, which kicked her out of her thoughts. She picked it up.

"Hello?" she asked, knowing she thought too soon on the whole calling thing.  
"Hey," came the reply. Buffy. It always had to be Buffy.  
"Oh, hey Buffy. How are things? The end of the world isn't coming, is it?" she said, making small talk, to keep her away from her own personal life. It was easier not to lie, than to.  
"Oh, it's going well. And, no apocalypse lately. I wondered to see how you were."  
"Everything's doing great. I think I'm going to get promoted next week. Well, I'm hoping. But enough about me, what about you?"  
"Oh, I just wanted to say hi. And to tell you if you see Spike, he hasn't lost his chip. He's just going to see Angel."

Dawn's heart stopped in her chest.

"Dawn? You there?" Buffy asked, alarmed.  
"Yeah, I'm here," she answered, finding her voice. "So Spike's here? That's a surprise. I might think of looking him up."  
"That'd be nice. And if you do, say hello to Angel for me."  
"Will do. Talk to you later, Buffy."  
"See ya, Dawn."

They hung up. And Dawn's world just got turned upside down.

He was here? As in the flesh? As walking with his platinum hair and his blue eyes.

She was going to have to be careful.

Sighing as the news kept repeating through her brain, she got up and stripped her clothes off. They seemed to stick on her skin like tape and it was almost painful to pull it off. She stepped into the shower, turning the water on scalding hot. The water felt good to her muscles. They were sore and tired and pulled from lack of care and the high demanding job she had. Unknown to many, stripping was rather a hard job. The person on the pole had to have a lot of upper body strength, to dance for hours.

Pouring a good sized amount of shampoo in her hand, she slowly massaged her head. Truly, when she washed was the only time that she cared about herself. She hardly ate anymore. Hell, she hardly did anything anymore. It all seemed to waste that she was going to die someday.

Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Sometimes, when she wished real hard, she could see herself at this point of her life, what it would have been like if she didn't fall in love with Spike. And if he didn't break her heart. The dream normally consisted of her with a loving fiancé, a college degree in Journalism, and a good career working for The New Yorker or a local paper. But, knowing her life now, she knows the dream could never come true. She'll always just be that innocent kid who came to the city with big hopes and dreams that got knocked down into the dirty streets and crawled her way to the first job that accepted her.

Shaking her head from the thoughts and memories, she decided she has done enough relaxing for a while. She dried off her body and her hair, and then slipped into her bed with dirty sheets. It really made taking a shower not worth it. Even sleeping.

As her head hit the pillow, she only thought of one thing-"Dawn, I did it because I love you."

* * *

Yeah. Again. Hope you liked it. 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: Buffy died and came back. This is AU, definitely. This is what would have happened if Spike and Dawn went into a relationship after Buffy died and continue to have one, under everyone's noses. You'll find out more as the short story goes on, but just ask if you have a question.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Work was always about movements for her. It never was about the drugs or, fuck, even the sex. It was about money. And how she didn't have any and how she wished she did. It was about everything she lost and everything she could never gain again. It was about Spike and how he broke her heart.

"You feeling okay, Dawn? You're looking a little pale. Want a pick me up?" said the guy behind the counter as he held up an empty glass.  
"No thank you, Phillip. I'm fine," she smiled and wished he wasn't so nice. It was always so much harder when they were all innocent and virginal. She remembered when she was like that. Way back when.

She was already dressed for the day. Her hair was flowy and her eyes were drenched in black liner and shadow. On her lips was a plum gloss, making her lips shine in the heat of the lights while on stage. Her outfit consisted of a bikini top that tied around her neck and a blue vinyl skirt that when she bent over, everyone could see her thong-covered goods. She learned early on in the business, that it didn't really matter what she wore, but how she took it off and flaunted it.

Nightfall was coming and people were starting to fill the tables and bars. Dawn was on next and she had a hard act to follow. Heather was on before her and she was known quite well for her big breasts and the way her hands just happen to slip into the men's pants.

"Though crowd out there," the blonde said coming up to Dawn with a smirk. "Follow that," she whispered as she heard the screams and the yells.

Dawn narrowed her eyes and shook it off. It was not good to get mad before a shift. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she sauntered onto the stage, staring at all the blank faces and all the colors of hair.

5 black.  
0 red.  
4 brown.  
9 blonde.  
3 were bald.

Her body twisted with the music, gradually getting the feel of the audience and beat. She grabbed onto the bar and swung herself around, hooking her feet at the base. Then, she turned away from the people and held on to the pole, letting her back arch to the ground, so they could see her ass and down her shirt.

A man winked at her and she lucidly walked over towards him. Squatting down so his head could look directly at her crotch, he placed a ten dollar bill in the belt of her thong. Slipping to her knees, she began jiggling her breast in front of his eyes. She turned her body around, so as she got up, her ass would be forced in his face. He gave it a good tap and she went back to the pole.

She climbed onto the pole, her legs locking into place around it, and hung from upside down. Her hair slowly swished to the ground as did her body when she let down gradually. It left her lying on her back, writhing around the stage. As she passed by the men, they put a couple of bills, here and there, on the belt of her underwear. She rolled her body around so now she was lying on her stomach. Lifting her body up with the muscles in her back, she started to pull her body up and sit on her ass. Jumping onto her feet from there, she grinded her hips to the pole and slid her skirt from her narrow waist and kicked it towards the guys in the front. Many hands grabbed for it, but only one caught it.

And it belonged to a platinum hair, blue eye man.

His eyes were dark and changing from gold to blue. They held nothing but repulsion. His lips drew up into, what Dawn could only tell, was his disgust for her. She almost felt bad about it.

_Almost._

Continuing her set, she bent over and shimmied her way back to her pole. Acting like she dropped something, she arched her back over and let her ass stick out, producing two nice globes that the guys cheered for. With her back still turned, she put her arm across her breast, and untied the tied at the top of her neck. Her lips formed a nice "o". The top fell into her hands and she, again, threw it out into the audience. Now, she was topless with only a thong on.

The music started to die down and she knew it was a little while until her act was over. She crossed her arms a crossed her breasts and down her body, then bent down into a squat. Right on cue, she jumped up, her hands being thrown into the air, exposing her body. But the lights turned off, making sure they only saw a peep.

She ran back into the changing room, grabbing a towel that was laid out for her and wrapped it around her body. Sitting down at the vanity, she took multiple cotton balls and started to clean her face. Throwing the last, black covered ball in the trashcan, she sat there looking at herself.

Then, all of a sudden, a pair of fingers came and clamped themselves on her shoulder, scaring her almost out of her skin. But once her brain clicked on who it was, she relaxed, trying to keep a stony face.

His hand gripped her harder and turned her around to face him. His face was anything by calm. He grinded his teeth as a couple of shocks from the chip went off in his brain.

"Spike," she recognized, her voice detached and numb. Nodding her head, she tried turning her body back around, but he wouldn't let her.  
"Dawn," he said so forceful, that if she cared anymore, it would have hurt.

Good thing it didn't.

_"Dawn, I did it because I love you."  
_

_

* * *

_Hoped you enjoy. 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Buffy died and came back. This is AU, definitely. This is what would have happened if Spike and Dawn went into a relationship after Buffy died and continue to have one, under everyone's noses. You'll find out more as the short story goes on, but just ask if you have a question.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he asks, words flying out of his mouth before he can stop them. There acidic and they burn her through.  
"Looks like I'm trying to make a living. What do you think I'm fucking doing?" she stated, her arms flying around as if showing him the area around them.

He stared at her, his chest moving up and down, trying to breath away some of his anger.

It wasn't working.

"How did you find me?" she questions in a small voice.

He tells her that he's asked around. Actually, been asking a round for a couple years now. He says that no one has been able to exactly locate her. Not even to pinpoint her living quarters.

She snorts when she brings that up.

"Maybe I didn't want to be found."

She's not wearing anything, but just a towel over her body and the underwear. She notices this and quickly shimmies on a dirty t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

He tries not to look at how bad she's gotten and how terrible she looks. Her skin was basically translucent and her veins were noticeable inside of her. She smelt of booze and dirty hands and sweat. Her eyes were hallow and looked empty as if they never held emotion at all. Her skin stretched tight over her bones and everything seemed too concaved.

The only thought that calmed him down was wondering why she was like this. What drove her there?

And then he realized that it was him.

He takes his fingers and lightly touches the skin on her face. She backs away from his touch and turns her head slightly. Her gaze is set on the floor.

"What's happened to you, baby?" he asks, having the uncontrollable urge to take her in his arms and make it all better again. It hurts his heart to see her after so long. It makes his dead heart crumple and turn to ash, knowing that it was because of him.

He wanted to kiss her and touch her and just tell her how he screwed up. Tell her that it wasn't his-

"Things," comes her whisper and she wraps her arms around herself. She never thought she would ever have to see him again. Or being confronted with her lifestyle.

She looked at the clock on the back of the wall. It was almost past twelve. She had to get to her apartment building before twelve thirty or else her manager would lock up the main door to her apartment.

"Spike, this has been...Well, anyway, I have to go."

She grabbed her things that were in a big duffle bag and ran out the back door. Knowingly, Spike followed and tried to stay with her.

Reaching for her door, at quarter after twelve, she stared at her old lover. She was debating on whether to invite him up or not. Though, she knew it didn't matter because he would find a way up anyway.

"Spike, you may come in." And she led him up to her dumpy little apartment.

She threw her things on the floor where she kicked off her shoes. He did the same and was led over to the couch that had too many stains that he didn't want to know about.

"This is where you live?" She gives a small frown and shakes her head.  
"It's all I can afford at the moment." She pulls a blanket that was on the floor around her body.  
"So I'm guessing you didn't bloody well go to school, did you?" He faces her.  
"Like I said before, I didn't have the money."

She mentally shuts down as she thinks about all the hell she's been put through because of him. How he ruined her life and made it hell. He was the one, after all, who was caught with someone else in their bed.

Not even his bed. _Theirs_.

He was the one who said he broke up because he said he loved her, shattering her young heart in millions of shards. He was the one who said they weren't going anywhere.

It was all his goddamn fault.

But she just didn't feel like fighting anymore. She's hidden for over five years and it's haunted her every day of her life. It broke her down to ashes and dust. And it just didn't feel right to scream, to yell, to say all those things she had wanted before the angry stage wore off.

Because, hey, he did it because he loved her.

* * *

One more chapter left. And I really don't like it. Hope you do. 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Buffy died and came back. This is AU, definitely. This is what would have happened if Spike and Dawn went into a relationship after Buffy died and continue to have one, under everyone's noses. You'll find out more as the short story goes on, but just ask if you have a question.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

He begged her to say something. He pleaded in his mind to just end the silence. It was tearing him apart. Ripping his soul that wasn't there in half. He should have never had...He just shouldn't.

But it looked like she wasn't going to say anything. Her mouth seemed glued shut. Like it hadn't been opened in years

He knew he was going to explode.

"What the hell do you think you've been doing?" he says, his voice getting louder the further he went on. He kicked the coffee table that was in front of the couch, breaking it the shreds. They flew across the room. Some hit Dawn. But she acted as if they didn't faze her.

"What do you mean?" she says stoic like.

"What do I mean? What do I bloody mean? I gave up everything for you Dawn! Fucking everything!"

"What?" she asks, her breath catching in her throat.

"I gave up everything for you. I broke up, for you!"

"How in the hell did you think breaking up with me was in my best interest?"

He started to pace in front of her, throwing his hands around like he was wild. His eyes were ablaze

"Do you not understand anything? Are you that fucking stupid?"

He takes an un-needed breath, trying to calm his nerves. Dawn, on the other hand, was shaking.

"You were bloody eighteen. The epitome of light and expansion and growing and experiencing things. And I knew, _knew_, that you would never leave and just _live_, if you stayed in Sunndayle. I was like your soddin' anchor, tying you down and keeping you in one bloody place. I didn't want you to sink. Because I knew that if you realized one day, and looked back on your life, you'd _hate_ me for it."

She was shaking even more now and her face held no emotion. It reminded him of how she was on the stage. Blank face. Naked body.

It made him livid again.

"I basically killed myself, for _you_. I gave it all up so you could have a normal life! So you could have children and a husband who didn't deserve you, but treated you like his fucking princess. I expected to see you, five years later, all happy and...not like this."

Tears rolled silently down her face.

"You killed yourself? You fucking killed yourself? Look around, Spike. We're living in a real world here. There are no evil gods or vampires who lost his soul. The only monster here is in me. And is standing right in front of me." She stood up from the couch, and shoved her wrists in his face. "You see this? This is being killed. After I saw you in bed with that...whore, it broke my heart. I wanted to die. There was nothing left for me. I didn't have dreams of husbands with children and a ring on my finger. All I had, was you. And then I didn't have you, so I had nothing."

Her spirit died down as she actually admitted it. She found her way back down to the couch numbly. Falling down, she wrapped her hands around her body.

Spike just stood there, in shock. He saw the scars. She wasn't lying. She had been in pain. Suicidal pain. And it was all his fault.

"When? How?" he asked, forcing words out of his mouth. It seemed like they weren't going. Everything was tied up in his chest and it hurt too much.

"It was my first semester at UCLA. It was only a week into school. Everything seemed too much and the pressure was just too great. And it just...I couldn't take it anymore. So I went into the shared bathroom and cut my wrists. A girl found me in the process of doing so and called the ambulance right away. I didn't loose enough blood."

She took a deep sigh and looked down towards her lap.

"I dropped out of school and took what money I still had left and put down a couple payments on this place. I found a job over at Erotica and haven't looked back since."

He dropped down to his knees and put his chin on her thigh.

"Oh, love. I'm sorry. So sorry. I never meant for it to happen this way. Oh god," he started. He then began to kiss up and down her leg.

She cupped his face in her hands and brought him to her lips. And it was everything they both have craved for five years.

"I only did it because I love you."

* * *

There is an alternate ending. It's the next chapter. I'm not quite sure why there are alternates because they both end in the same way, more or less. This one is a little bit more "violent" than the next one. The next one is more...I guess romantic or more like soft.

Anyway, I hope you like(d) it.  
KC 


	6. Alternate Chapter 5

**A/N**: Buffy died and came back. This is AU, definitely. This is what would have happened if Spike and Dawn went into a relationship after Buffy died and continue to have one, under everyone's noses. You'll find out more as the short story goes on, but just ask if you have a question.

This is the alternate ending.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

He begged her to say something. He pleaded in his mind to just end the silence. It was tearing him apart. Ripping his soul that wasn't there in half. He should have never had...He just shouldn't.

"Why did you come looking for me?" she asks. Her fingers are playing with the thread on the couch as if she was feeling them for the first time.

Truth was, she was.

"I don't know, pet. I just felt something was wrong. It just...We didn't. We didn't end it right." He scoots up closer to her, and tucks away a strand of hair from her face. "I didn't want it to end like that."

Her eyes opened wide and seemed like they were actually letting in light, in the black hole.

"We ended with you fucking a girl in our bed. You said it was for the best. That we had to get over it sometime." She pulled away from his hand. "How the hell did you think it was going to end? In rainbows and puppies and everyone fucking loving each other?"

He jumped off the couch, ready to bolt. She was right. Maybe she didn't want to be found. Maybe she was happier in her bitter-filled life.

Then he remembered her on the stage, letting all the men...touch her, stare at her. His her.

And he thought, maybe not.

"It wasn't like that, Dawn. I swear." He sat on the coffee table, so he faced right in front of her. He held her hands and started to rub them.  
"It was just-You were eighteen. Fucking eighteen. The epitome of light and expansion and growing and experiencing things. And I knew, _knew_, that you would never leave and grow if I was back in Sunnydale. I would be your anchor, tying you down, keeping you in one bloody place. And you'd hate me for it."

He got her to look into his eyes; her cold ones melting once he saw hers.

"I could never handle it, if you hated me," he gently said, rubbing small circles with his finger on her hand.

"But now I realized I bullocks it up and I didn't even improve your life. I ruined it."

She stood still for a while, her body frozen as if time didn't matter. She did not blink and she did not breathe. She was just there. Sitting. With Spike in front of her telling her that her five or more so years of pain, was nothing but a lie.

"What about the girl?" she asked, breaking her frozen stature.

"I could never say I hated you, love. I could never get myself to even think the words. So I had to hurt you, in another way. That way, it would hurt you just as bad and you'd have to break up with me." He sat on the edge of the coffee table, waiting to see what she was going to say next.

"So, what are you asking for?" she questioned, tilting her head to the side. It's as if everything has gotten compacted into little questions and not really understanding.

Everything was going so fast, yet so slow, and she wasn't keeping up with it.

"I really don't know what I'm asking for, nibblet," he smiled. Looking down, not able to handle her stares, he continued, "I'd like to ask for you back. I mean, if you want me."

And he sounded so small and vulnerable. It's as if he was a five year old boy and he accidently broke the cookie jar and he was asking his mom for forgiveness. But Spike was no five-year-old. He was an old vampire who actually cared enough to ask for forgivness.

It only led to one thing.

"Why," Dawn started. "Why would you even want me anymore? she asked, taking her hands out of Spike's and placing them in her lap.

"What does that mean?" he asked, totally baffled.

"You've seen what I've done, have been doing, will be doing. I've done some really bad things since you've been gone, Spike. I never thought we'd see each other again. I though I'd die before-" she was interrupted by a tear that welled up in her eye and fell. He wiped it away with his thumb.

"Baby. I'm yours to the end of the world. And nothing you well every bloody do will make me ashamed or upset or mad."

He took her by the hands and led her into the bedroom. He took of her clothes one by one; the feeling as if it was the first time.

'It had been to bloody long,' Spike thought to himself as he had her in his arms again.

And before they knew it, his lips were on hers and they were melting into each other. Memory hit them hard and suddenly it was like nothing every happened. It was like she was eighteen again and young and pretty and innocent.

And his.

She was finally his and she, finally, had somewhere to belong. Maybe her job wasn't all about the money anyway. Maybe it was about feeling and want to be somebody's. Maybe it was about feeling useful and feeling needed.

He cuddled her into his arms and it just felt right. And when he looked at her, he didn't see the men leering at her or the gropes she had by the end of the day.

He saw the woman he loved most in the world.

"Dawn, I do everything because I love you," he whispered into her ear. "_Everything_."

* * *

That's the end. See how there's so much dialogue? I dont' like it, but I didn't find any other way to write it. I hope you liked it. I really do.  
Thanks so much for evverything you guys.  
KC 


End file.
